The importance of a soulmate
by icpemt
Summary: This story takes place after „The return of Callisto". Gabrielle has lost Perdicus and is grieving – somehow. Xena tries to be there for her but this turns out to be more complicated than expected. Please review! Thanks!


Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.

_**The importance of a soulmate**_

This story takes place after „The return of Callisto". Gabrielle has lost Perdicus and is grieving – somehow. Xena tries to be there for her but this turns out to be more complicated than expected.

"I can't believe this happened. I can't believe he's really gone. And, I can't believe I really married him." This last realization worries Gabrielle most of all. It makes her feel terrible. How could she think more about marrying Perdicus than about his death? "I mean, I knew him since we were children and always liked him and then married him because I loved him", she tries to reason with herself. "But why am I then not shattered by his death? Of course I hurt and miss him very much, but … oh god, I feel … I feel this awful sense of relief." Gabrielle is watching the sun sink bathing the sea in a reddish light.

Suddenly, she feels Xena's hand on her back, "Hey", the warrior whispers softly. Xena is hesitant and not at all sure how to comfort her best friend, because Gabrielle has been shutting her out all day – something that is rather unusual for the bard to do. Normally, she, Xena, would be the one to try and keep her feelings to herself but Gabrielle would usually share her emotions. Therefore, Xena is concerned about her friend. Still, she decides to give Gabrielle her space and time to process her husband's death.

Gabrielle doesn't turn or speak at Xena's touch but exhales, continuing to stare out over the ocean. Xena decides to take a risk and puts her arm around Gabrielle's shoulders pulling her close. The warrior can feel Gabrielle resisting briefly but then the bard allows her friend to hug her. "Gods, I'm so grateful Xena doesn't try to speak to me and is just holding me tight. I couldn't bear to tell her how I feel. She would think that I'm a terrible person and, by the gods, I actually really am. I lost my husband and feel relieved? What is wrong with me?" All these thoughts are racing through Gabrielle's mind as she sits in Xena's embrace. Overcome by her guilt, the bard snuggles closer to her friend but still can't bring herself to make eye contact or speak.

"It feels so good to hold her and be able to be there for her", the warrior thinks but then guilt creeps into her heart. "Wow, how nasty a person am I that the only thing I can think is that I am happy to hold her when the man she loved just died!" Xena scolds herself silently.

With all these thoughts whirring around in the two women's heads they sit in silence taking comfort in each other's presence.

When the sun has sunk, Xena is awakened by a trembling. Opening her eyes, she scans her surroundings but can't see anything. Then she realizes, "Oh my god, it's Gabrielle. She's crying. And I fell asleep and didn't realize. Great!" The warrior curses herself and then gently hugs the bard to her chest and kisses the top of her blonde head, "Everything will be ok. I'm here for you, Gabrielle", she whispers. This only makes the bard cling to her more, "No, it won't be ok, Xena", Gabrielle's conscience screams. "You think I'm grieving for Perdicus because that's the kind of person you think I am. And, yes, I am grieving but that is not the only thing. The truth is much more horrible", the bard thinks.

No longer able to contain her emotions, Gabrielle raises her head and, looking away from Xena, chokes, "I'm not sure it will, Xena." Surprised by Gabrielle's response, Xena immediately tries to reassure her friend, "Gabrielle, I know you hurt and it seems there is nothing good in the world right now but, trust me, it will get better." At these words the bard starts crying openly and buries her face in her hands. "Gabrielle…", Xena says, shocked by her friend's reaction. The warrior grabs the bard's shoulders from behind with both hands to steady her. "Won't you tell me what is torturing you so much? Please, let me be there for you." Finally, Gabrielle gives in and her sobs have subsided somewhat as she turns to face Xena. Her expression is somewhere between pain and guilt. "Guilt", Xena thinks, "Why on earth would Gabrielle feel guilty?" Despite her curiosity Xena remains silent as she looks back into her friend's eyes. After a long moment Gabrielle speaks, "Xena … you always say I have such a pure soul", the bard begins with a sigh. "You do, Gabrielle!" Xena reassures her immediately. Gabrielle smiles sadly, "I don't know … if that was really true, wouldn't I be absolutely crushed by Perdicus' death? I mean, I did love him and married him and he died protecting me…" Her voice trails off as tears start rolling down her cheeks again. Xena, totally bewildered by this, counters, "But Gabrielle, you've been crying and grieving all day and haven't spoken to me at all! You are most definitely crushed and devastated!" Gabrielle opens her mouth to argue but then, to Xena's astonishment, slams her fist onto the ground, "No!" she almost screams. "Xena, you don't understand!" The warrior stares at her friend, "What Gabrielle?! What do I not understand?!"

Gabrielle throws up her arms in frustration and desperation, "Xena, the real reason that I've been silent and devastated the whole day is that I'm so confused!" Gabrielle says loudly. "Of course I'm grieving for Perdicus and I miss him but … but …" The words catch in the bard's throat. "Shhh, calm down, Gabrielle", Xena says taking her friend's hands in hers. Gabrielle takes a deep breath, "Xena, the real reason for my desperation is that I also feel relieved by his death and … oh god … that makes me a terrible person and …" Her voice trails off and Xena finally begins to understand. She closes her eyes and when she opens them again she finds Gabrielle looking at her imploringly as if to say, "Please don't hate me." "Gabrielle", the warrior begins. "You are NOT a terrible person." The bard opens her mouth to protest but Xena raises a hand to silence her, "No, wait! You might feel this sense of relief but not because you didn't love Perdicus. You said a minute ago that you did love him." "Maybe", Xena hesitates, "maybe you just weren't … well, weren't ready to … to be married and spend the rest of your life in one place. I mean, you told me when we first met that you weren't cut out for the village life your parents wanted for you." Xena looks into Gabrielle's eyes, her own pleading for her friend not to be angered by what she just said. Gabrielle considers Xena's words and then gives a weak smile and nods, "Gods, Xena. I'm afraid you're right. I made the wrong decision by getting married. It was too quick and … and just stupid of me to think that …", her voice falters again and she looks away from Xena out over the sea where the moonlight is playing on the waves. Xena considers her friend and tries to fathom what Gabrielle thinks she was stupid to think. Not wanting to push her friend but still curious, the warrior reaches out and puts a hand on the bard's shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. When Gabrielle doesn't say anything, Xena asks softly, "What were you stupid to think, Gabrielle?"

Coming out of her reverie the bard turns to face Xena, taking the warriors hand from her shoulder, "It was stupid of me to think that, despite loving Perdicus, I could live a life without you – my best friend, my soulmate." Xena stares at her friend totally taken aback but immensely touched and grateful. Before the warrior can find her voice to answer, the bard continues, "Xena, there is a magic in our friendship that is beyond everything I've ever known. With you I can always be myself and I feel safe. In your embrace I find a comfort that is invaluable to me. Just your presence, like today when you just held me without talking, offers solace from all the drama and an escape from the daily grind. I cannot imagine a life without you." Xena's eyes have filled with tears and, unable to say anything, she just hugs Gabrielle tightly. When she lets the bard go she says, "Gabrielle, I didn't know you felt this way. I … I thought only I did." Gabrielle smiles with relief, "Gods, Xena. I'm so relieved and happy you feel the same way. This means the world to me." They embrace again and when they break apart Xena admits, "Gabrielle, today when we were sitting and looking out over the ocean, I … I also thought about how glad I am to have you here with me and … and I also felt relieved that you were not with Perdicus. I'm sorry! I really regret very much what happened but … but I can also not imagine a life without my best friend and soulmate."


End file.
